Found this post through Twitter; really interesting topic.
I feel like you're trying to define what it means to lose someone. That loss can have many causes, but I think what all your examples have in common is that they all involve having a source of happiness that goes away.
Why particular people get stuck is mostly a psychological research question (do addictive personalities have a tendency to get stuck? does emotional regulation control the effect?), but I think a more interesting question is WHY does ANYONE feel loss? What exactly are we losing, and why does it hurt so?
I think it's probably tiny intimacies, little valuable personal secrets, that we really mourn. It hurts when we know there is no longer a person in the world who says "okay" in their strange, but uniquely charming, way or when we know that we will never again hear their awkward but comforting responses to our complaining. These things are equally destroyed by death, by radical change in someone, or by destruction of an intimate relationship.
Why do we mourn these things? To some extent the answer is just "evolution," but that is not particularly satisfying (and is more "how" than "why"). I wonder if we value these things, exactly as Kübler-Ross says, because coming to appreciate them is what makes us grow into complex, beautiful people.
Thank you for the comment! I've read it multiple times because of how beautifully written it is, especially this line: "I think it's probably tiny intimacies, little valuable personal secrets, that we really mourn."
I also really appreciate your point about why certain people might be more likely to feel "stuck" than others -- I'm sure attachment styles play a role here, too.
It hurts to accept that a relationship you once deeply cherished, that meant the world to you, that may have even saved you from your own depths, is coming to a close and there isn’t really anything you can do about it. You know that even if things were to get better in the future and you were to rekindle a friendship with this person, the same closeness you once shared is unlikely to ever be attained. It will take on another form. And maybe that’s ok. Old trees have to burn to make room for new forest growth.
Found this post through Twitter; really interesting topic.
I feel like you're trying to define what it means to lose someone. That loss can have many causes, but I think what all your examples have in common is that they all involve having a source of happiness that goes away.
Why particular people get stuck is mostly a psychological research question (do addictive personalities have a tendency to get stuck? does emotional regulation control the effect?), but I think a more interesting question is WHY does ANYONE feel loss? What exactly are we losing, and why does it hurt so?
I think it's probably tiny intimacies, little valuable personal secrets, that we really mourn. It hurts when we know there is no longer a person in the world who says "okay" in their strange, but uniquely charming, way or when we know that we will never again hear their awkward but comforting responses to our complaining. These things are equally destroyed by death, by radical change in someone, or by destruction of an intimate relationship.
Why do we mourn these things? To some extent the answer is just "evolution," but that is not particularly satisfying (and is more "how" than "why"). I wonder if we value these things, exactly as Kübler-Ross says, because coming to appreciate them is what makes us grow into complex, beautiful people.
Thank you for the comment! I've read it multiple times because of how beautifully written it is, especially this line: "I think it's probably tiny intimacies, little valuable personal secrets, that we really mourn."
I also really appreciate your point about why certain people might be more likely to feel "stuck" than others -- I'm sure attachment styles play a role here, too.
You're very kind. Glad you appreciated the comment. Looking forward to your next post!
Beautiful
ily <3
This is beautiful.
It hurts to accept that a relationship you once deeply cherished, that meant the world to you, that may have even saved you from your own depths, is coming to a close and there isn’t really anything you can do about it. You know that even if things were to get better in the future and you were to rekindle a friendship with this person, the same closeness you once shared is unlikely to ever be attained. It will take on another form. And maybe that’s ok. Old trees have to burn to make room for new forest growth.